||[26 Sep 2013|09:08am]
i dreamed i was in kris's house. i bought a record that was a soundtrack to an anime. the front of the record was like a big sticker and i stuck it right on his wall. it had a white background and some greenery and a bunch of colorful characters. i put the record on and sat on the couch. i saw that the big sticker wasn't quite straight and got up to adjust it. it was near two other anime posters, one being my chi wall scroll. i wondered if i had put those there too. kris was in the kitchen maybe cooking. there were about 13 different remotes sitting on the coffee table, and i told him maybe he should get rid of some. he said good idea and started sorting. i helped a bit. one of the remotes had the brand of the thing it went to which was an old cd player, so i set it next to it.
he was very busy with his task, and his mind seemed very clouded. suddenly i began talking very fast, and told him my bipolar theory, about how my life was stimulating before and i was always receiving new information and having new experiences, and how that was thrilling. and how now that i'm in one place my emotional state tries to make up for the lack of inspiration by finding any reason to get really fucking happy or really fucking depressed. i didn't finish though, and he was nodding. i thought it hopeless to try and explain again. kris started to use the remotes to play a video game with the record. i thought this was neat. he was using the characters from the anime on the album.
suddenly we were outside. i was on my laptop and he was on his phone or something. i was lounged in a big comfortable chair, and monroe (scarlet macaw) was using his beak to climb the chair and get to me. i put my arm out for him to perch on. then my old dog jasper jumped up onto the chair. monroe immediately began trying to bite him and it was a hassle to separate them. jasper didn't seem to want to move. i told kris with irritation that i was deleting jasper from facebook. he had some small voice of protest, but i didn't listen. i started looking through the pictures of a random person's facebook, ready to hate myself by comparison.
suddenly a whole lot of people were piling into this place. it was like a rainbow gathering was starting. i was very nervous and told kris i was leaving. i told him i didn't want to be forced to interact with people, and was gathering my things, worried they would attack me for browsing facebook when i'm supposed to be living my life, and angry at them for it, just wanting to get away. behind, a dead girl and a dead squirrel. maybe representing jasper and monroe. everyone there talking about it, asking about it, kris trying to give answers, me trying to just get away.
i succeeded, and was at the entrance which was a big brick walkway. there were people coming down it, and one girl was in a pretty yellow tie-dye-ee shirt and pretty skirt, and i was a bit jealous. then another girl, the same kind of outfit, very pretty and thin, and she had red hair. there was a line of greenery down the middle of the brick path, and she was picking plants. i immediately went into jealous despair, and i imagined dave would love her because she has red hair. i was crying, and i couldn't see. i stopped in my tracks and didn't care if i took one more step forward. didn't care about any consequences. i imagined she would pull out a little plant and BAM out would spring a whole bushel, and she would look over to dave and i and smile real big, and it would be the kind of action you couldn't help but be impressed by. but that was just me imagining it.
when i "came to" i was her. i was very happy, and i started calmly walking in the opposite direction, away from the people. i began narrating my life. it sounded like one of the characters from the maxx, the way i was saying it. it felt very much like a movie. i walked into some dead end where some men caught me for some silly act of wrongdoing that i'm not sure i even committed, and it showed her hanging by her ankles from shackles, calmly saying "i should have expected this" and explaining it a bit, but i can't remember what she said. she was there like that for a while, and the men came in and got her down. they handed her a broom and she was to sweep this little room, also made of brick and outside, but behind a door. she bagan. always calm and never afraid. she started narrating again. "i've got a bit of mental illness. i can't touch babies. i go into a kind of fit if i have to touch babies. i don't like to hear them try or cry. i got into trouble for throwing an apron at my mom's new baby."
i could see the broom was now a strange mop with lot of weird colored layers, like an accordion, and she seemed to be struggling to use it. it was heavy, and she kept having to heave it up off the ground, and due to its weight it would immediately fall back to the ground again in a newly organized heap, but never organized in a way that she could utilize it. she never became frustrated though. when she felt the men were gone long enough, she immediately slipped out the door, down the brick path and into the street. it felt like san francisco. she still had the mop, but it was now a broom again. she was singing to herself, walking down down a street.
there was water rushing down a little drain, and she put the end of the broom into it. she was pushing the water back upstream with it, and it felt very satisfying. an old man with long grey hair said hello to her from across the street, and she liked him. he asked her what she was doing, but you could tell in his tone that he very much approved of whatever it was, and her response was one that rhymed that i can't remember. but it was something about using the broom on the rushing water. he laughed merrily and beckoned her to come over. she crossed the street, noticing the big trees that were turning colors because of autumn. she followed him through a little gate between a brick wall and into some kind of backyard compound thing.
there were many people gathered, but not as many as at the other place. these people looked scummier, and she was grateful for it, but still nervous and she stuck right there with the old man, next to a tree. she shook his hand, which was very dirty, and another man's, also dirty. her hand was wet, and she dirtied it a bit. she smelled her hand. it smelled like cigarettes. she told them they needed to bathe. maybe they were offended. i was happy, and i saw some people i knew. a girl sitting against a tree said "Hi Paige!" and i was like "!!!" you know who I am?! and I leaned against the broom and started talking animatedly to her. she had curly black hair which was pulled back and uneven glasses that made one eye look bigger than the other.
leaning on the broom excitedly i said to her "I WAS PLAYING THE PART OF SOME OTHER CHARACTER, AND I WAS SO JEALOUS OF EVERYTHING SHE SAID!" and laughed loudly and had an inward realization that was vague, but i couldn't be bothered with it now because i was ready to be social and entertain people. i made a mental note to come back to it though. i walked around a little, and caught my reflection. my red hair was gone, and i looked like myself. this was a little disappointing, and i wilted a bit.
i walked to a group of people, philip among them. i told phil that he had a spider on his face, and he was trying to get it off. everyone was watching. he was carefully preparing to flick, and did. everyone cheered, but i saw that it landed on his chest instead. i halted the cheering and said so. he was preparing again, and opened his shirt. he had huge woman boobs. the dark reddish spider with little legs was crawling on his underboob. he got it, everyone cheered. i told him he had woman boobs more than ever before, and he was slightly offended.
i saw pirate rob and said HI ROB and asked if he recognized me, my red hair was fading. and he said yes and seemed very nervous and said he used to have red hair and was trying to get it back. i said LET'S GO TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW AND GET DYE. i thought of my money in the bank and thought i would have no problem spending it all. i wanted adventures and roadtrips. rob did not give me the enthusiasm i was looking for, so i went from person to person in our group of friends seeking it. some people responded and rob seemed to change his mind a bit.
then i was in a house with dave. i could not feel my left arm, or see it. it seemed it was gone. dave was ultra worried and kept trying to tell me we needed to go to the hospital. i was being calm, but curious. i kept feeling my left arm, but there was nothing there. on my shoulder i felt a weird little flap of skin. this went on for some time, and i finally looked in a mirror. my arm was still there, which was surprising, and i had a big cut near my armpit. i looked down at my arm which i could now see again, and saw that it was looking purple and numb. fuck, i said. maybe i tore a nerve or something. i was nervous about the hospital.
then i was watching sporting events at a track field. i was extremely depressed, thinking that i wished i was involved in something like that when i was younger. a black guy won this one thing over and over and over and the guy on the overvoice was saying "and my man billy cyle wins again, and my man billy cyle wins again" over and over maybe fourteen times. they were all black.