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Paige

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[11 May 2017|01:49am]
i'm with people i don't like. we are outside in the snow. i'm happy about the snow. we enter a crowded little food place where there is only one bar-like seating area of about 5 chairs. like the little noodle stands in japan or whatever. for some goddamn reason i say "fuck you bitch" under my breath to the old asian woman serving us. someone i'm with laughs. the asian woman begins telling a story about kristen from when she used to work there. she talks about her duties and how they required of her to go outside into the snow and then return inside and the whole time she says all of this i can see the images of outside very clearly, the snow in the dark, and the orange lighting and warmth inside. i imagine this was helpful to kristen's well-being. i'm very touched by the story.

i'm in the brentwood ave. house and preparing to leave. perhaps it's one of those "fuck you" leaves i do. i gather all of my things satisfactorily and walk out into the street. it's dark, quiet, amber streetlights, the asphalt is wet but it's not raining. i'm happy. i walk out onto the street and attempt to put in my address to get home. i put it in and i can't find the option for "walk" and i'm distressed. i think they must have gotten rid of it because they figured no one walks anymore. my phone is at like 20% too, and i know i have a long way to go. i don't let it bother me and think i will draw out the map on some paper. the path that the phone shows me looks odd and like it goes in squary circles.

i am a car in the road trying to do all of this. there is a car behind me. as a half-car person i simply get out of the way and stop on the sidewalk. i imagine the person in it admires me because i feel like i just did a sick move. the ground is wet and i'm just so happy it's been raining. dave is in my ear. he tells me stella won't be continuing. he says he's so sad. i say what? because i think we knew that long ago, and he doesn't even like stella, but then he says it was one of his reasons to live. i am very puzzled and wake up.
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[11 May 2017|01:28am]
i smoked weed before a walk in the woods, always fully unprepared for panic that it can cause. it does, and i get scared of everything, scared to even look left or right. i decide to start running. at a curving downhill i start skipping, and sometimes i can feel myself flying through the air. i'm haunted by thoughts of a recent visit from "friends" and recalling my behavior results in immediate reactions of "holy fuck you crazy retard" and i keep getting scared of being murdered or possessed, and i keep running a little here and there, keep having athletic fun and doing running moves and pulling out my knife and swinging my camera around by its ropey handle. the woods have many deer and the first sighting is two running across the path. they stop not far away and look over their shoulders at me. i walk by meekly with my head down, lowly saying "herro :)" and waving and making bassy and what i imagine to be motherly "mmm" noises continuing to hurry up and get out of their space. the next deer stands halfway into the path and watches me approach. i lessen my speed, becoming meek, trying to give it time and space to do what it thinks is best. it runs off and i lose sight of it. i continue on, continue cycling through these thoughts and actions. i come across a bug on the path that seems to be either fornicating or having trouble flying. i squat down and see a moth with half its left wing missing. i go "aww" and feel sad. my attention is then drawn to a worm who looks very dry and sandy but is inching along in a steady determined fashion over some tree roots. i think maybe he's trying to get to the water and pick him up. he doesn't seem to have the life in him to struggle against me, and i jump down to the little creek and put him in the mud. he seems to move all around in it, and i wonder if what he's feeling is relief. i imagine the worm and its current experience to be no more than a function of some unseen or otherwise undetected thing outside of the itself, and it's sad, and separately i imagine the unseen thing to be myself and relate the worm's experience to my emotions, and how maybe my reactions to them could metaphorically control the fate of them, and if i'm ever so unkind or irresponsible as to cause anything but bountiful peace. maybe some are dying slow agonizing deaths and need my help, and i don't even know they're there. these thoughts distress me and i hop back onto the path and keep going, keep cycling. i imagine humans as complicated animals burdened with the ability to intellectualize instinct, and how that clouds our vision rather than clears it up.
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[05 May 2017|06:40am]
June 8th 2016 6:50

Rachel and I were riding a big bus. On the outside. Weeee. White girl who acted black. Rachel and I were in a museum. Lookin' at shit. As we entered a room a woman was there on an exercise machine saying she could always sense the presence of others. She didn't seem to notice us so I purposely made some noise so she wouldn't be embarrassed at not having sensed us. A cool black pillar with lightning stuff inside. I was looking at pipes and pipe bags. Bag pipes! Just kidding. We walked through a door that went to a stairwell like in an apartment high rise building, but instead of stairs there was just a floor and a curtain of some kind. Rachel went for the curtain and I said in a creepy joke voice not to defile herself. I don't know what I meant. Behind the curtain there was nothing, so she turned around. Simple rectangle room we were in. On opposite wall there were ledges leading all the way up and she was climbing them really fast. I tried to follow but my fingers kept slipping when I would grab a ledge. It sucked. I even touched my greasy face at one point to make my fingers greasier. There she was at the top and I kept trying and failing. The ledges were no longer, like, window-sill type things. They were objects. A pink wooden heart I kept trying to grab, that at one point I had wanted? The heart came off and I thought sheesh it's a good thing this didn't happen while Rachel was climbing. I looked up and said HEY RACHEL! And showed her the light pink painted wooden heart. I made preparatory throw motions and she was nervous. Up I threw it, and it went into a little booth not far from her where a woman was receiving people from a line. It broke a light fixture our something. Within Rachel and I was a RUN! reaction. I don't know how we managed to get back together again but we exited the building and were so sure we were gonna get caught. Act cool! I said, and walked at a leisurely pace and laughed and made fake conversation. We were in the parking lot looking for my car, certain we would get caught. The parking lot was a woodsy neighborhood, with many turns, and we kept getting lost. It was getting dark. I felt so hopeless. Amazed we were not in trouble, bummed at our lack of a timely get-away. I went into someone's yard at some point. Definitely night time now. She got into a car and sat in the driver's seat and asked for the keys. But this isn't my car I said, and handed them over. The car started! She drove, and I was like yeehaw escape! But she went straight into a dead end which was made of bright red thin flat metal ribbons, the black night behind. Hmmm. I was like ahhh let me drive. Don't know what happened after this, but we ended up in a little garage/motel room. With other people. We were talking. This wigger girl liked Rachel and made easy conversation with her despite knowing me longer and I expressed a kind of jealousy even though I didn't like her. Rachel reassured me she liked me much better and said something like "my paige." We were preparing for sleep, and my side of the bed was at the very edge of the garage door which was open for which I was glad. I wanted to feel the wind. Rain the dog was there :). I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and brushed for a long time, looking at myself in the mirror, thinking of how we were here earlier. The bathroom had a full-length mirror too, and my reflection pleased me very much.
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[28 Apr 2017|12:58pm]
On a green lawn in front of a large university-like building. On a hump of dirt and grass stuck to a wooden platform suspended from I guess a tree. It rocks back and forth, and it's peaceful to lie there in the sun stretched on your back. A girl is telling me about something that happened with a girl/woman, and how she wanted to like her, but bad things happened. I see the show playing out before me, and I am inclined to agree with the girl telling me about it. The woman is apparently insane.

Later I'm in a house of Chads and Stacies and they're playing a joke on everyone where they walk up to them, show them a picture of someone that resembles them, explain they're missing, and then reveal the pictured person I think naked or otherwise dishonored. It seems like they're all friends, so they're all having a good laugh when they get tricked.

But they invite a girl over, who isn't a Stacy or friends with them. She comes through the door in a "So what's this all about?" nervous and afraid fashion and won't sit down. She is young and cute, and has a nametag on her blue school uniform. I don't remember what it said, but it was a non-name...and indicated dreaminess/naivete. I was immediately drawn to, interested in, and protective of her. I believe the name had an L and two I's in it.

I know what's about to happen (as if I traveled back in time for a do-over) and that it's going to be very upsetting to her, and that the girl on the grass platform earlier was misleading me about this event.

She sits down but is still uncomfortable. One of the Chads starts going through the trick, showing her the "missing" girl which resembles her. The girl looks young, but is missing teeth and has very short hair, that looks to be growing back after baldness. She looks like a homeless druggie. The girl is following along with hesitancy. Finally the time comes for him to do the trick, and I quickly say "That's it. We're looking for this girl" and she seems a little relieved and says "Okay. It's nice you guys are worried but I think you're getting your hopes up," and I laugh out loud at how purely honest she is, and how stupid everyone else is. I clap my hand to my mouth because I realize it looks like I was laughing at her, like I'm one of the Stacies, but I also know I can't explain it to her, though I'm debating maybe doing it later. She doesn't really even pay attention though, and leaves.

On the wall is a decoration in the form of a house. I don't want these people to think of the girl anymore, so I'm trying to distract them. It's like a dollhouse that was cut in half and mounted on the wall. I think there's even running water as a part of it. I act and kinda am mesmerized. It really is pretty cool. I remember thinking something like "if only it were made with real wood."

Later on I'm in a house with many rooms. A woman in it is going somewhere. It's Eric's mom, but her son is Phil. Her van has writing all over it, advertising making emergency carbon copies, and a giant yellow and orange flower, like a kid drew it. And various other things, making it look like some kind of weird hippie owns it. So we're driving, and she's talking about how she always thought Phil and I would end up together, and how puppies showed her that that would be the case. Phil says "I KNOW!" but it comes out in this really funny screechy way. I'm flattered.

I say to her "Would you allow me to fill up your tank for you as thanks for letting me stay at your house?" and she immediately says yes and says there were issues regarding it earlier. I say I'm glad I can help. The gas station we go to is weird, and has a ton of pumps lined up, but they're very low to the ground. Beyond is a giant parking lot, and everything feels very open and strange. It's like we drove far to get specifically to this gas station. Well, we end up back at her house, and apparently I was not able to get her gas. I want to, but she's leaving on a train. She says let's trade credit cards but then says no, and hands me a nice smooth flat rock which I hold against my card. She's looking at me earnestly and says she really wants to meet me again, and now completely resembles Catherine from Twin Peaks.

Eric is texting me about various times the police have been shitty, and I'm like FUCK DA POLICE, and I think of that song I can't find anywhere, and the lyric that goes "RUN, if you wanna still have fun" and I'm on a lawn with students, and there are four PE teachers, and their faces are covered like people who do fencing, but the helmets are more squished and oval, pointing outwards. I say I wouldn't be surprised if they were behind many crimes.

Once in the house I was staying at, I walked into a room. It was night. A young girl was lying on a bed watching one of those weird episodes of Rugrats or something, and I was interested in what was on the screen. Something amoeba like happening on the screen. She was smiling mischievously from the bed. I left. Another scene was a man squatting in front of an open oven which was dripping something, and I laughed and said it looked like he was peeing or something. He didn't laugh back.
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[23 Apr 2017|09:47pm]
I'm outside in winter. It's snowing. I'm playing a video game, but also am actually the character I'm controlling. It's called Rosa Parks shooter or something, lol. She has a memorial in the city where it's taking place. I am figuring out the controls and I manage to shoot a few people on a very high wall, from a sort of parking lot down below. Suddenly my POV is shifted high up and to the left, to the flat square roof of a building next door, and a woman is speaking. She says something like:

Everything starts here, and we are shown the roof by way of zooming out. There's an intricate engraving that fills the whole surface, of a grail filled with dark red blood and a demon embracing it on one half. The other half shows the same demon, but dead or shrunken, somehow degraded, and depressed instead of popping out.

It may sound strange, the woman says, but when we harm you, we drink from you.

She's rambling on like this, saying terrible things, sounding very seductively pleased and evil. I'm staring at an old greasy rough work glove as she says these things. Staring at each fiber. Finally I've had enough, and think loudly and clearly to myself "I don't like such sadism" and I find it's source: a little contraption with flat metal things sticking out which curl at the end. It's some strange doll. I attempt to destroy it. I stomp on it and pull it apart and do everything I can, but it only seems to delight, or come back stronger and attack me. At one point I'm stomping on it and it seems dead and I walk away. It starts floating and comes at me full speed and "bites" my shoulder with more aggression than before.

Also at some point I realize I shouldn't have shot those people, that they're really dead, and that that may have caused all of this.
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[28 Dec 2016|09:52am]
I was on a large ship with many people. It was going around in the ocean. Huge nets formed into half circles situated on top of poles rose and fell slowly from the ocean, to catch live things. I didn't like it and wished the nets would fail. I watched them rise and fall mechanically, a set up meant to do all the work while people were away. We passed more and more, and as we went on, the nets looked more ragged, with holes. I imagined sabotaging the rest.

The ship made its way up frozen waterfalls. I was right at the bow of the ship, feeling the cold from the ice, excited. It was beautiful. At some moments I almost felt I would fall backwards. I looked back at one point to see many people, but quickly looked away, wanting to see everything ahead.

We made it to flat ground on top. I got off the ship, running around. There was a giant wall with maze carvings on it, creating square-like lines. Some of the people in charge of the ship said that "new carvings had been made" since their last visit. Among the little indented maze lines were little grubs, and it was evident they made the lines. I was interested in this, but more interested in exploring the area we had arrived in.

I ran all around, excited, checking out pools of water. I stepped into one, and saw that it was shallow, and that the entire bottom was filled with spines sticking upwards. I pulled my feet out, which were now full of the spines. I sat on a nearby rock and forced myself not to panic and started pulling them out one by one. I was surprised at the lack of blood. One was very large, and my skin under it was up like a tent, and I calmed myself. One of the ship captain people came over, and I asked him to pull it out for me. He did, but only the end half came out. I pulled the other half out, feeling how deep it was in my foot, continually surprised at the lack of blood and pain. I began to feel very tough and proud of myself, and sat there picking them all out until it was only little spines left that I could not get a hold of.

I was wearing a large red shirt, and thought I would stop wearing it inside out. That I was ready.

One of the leaders ran into one of the pools of water, and I watched him, thinking "How does he not get the spines in his feet?!" He was running to someone in a little boat, saying something like "She really did kill herself, didn't she?!" and he was trying to act fast. I didn't know who she was, just that she was important. It was sweet the way the man cared.

I was walking around a city. It was nice. Autumn. Joyce Ang was there and in trouble. Why, I asked. I smoked weed, she said. I was surprised. We were in Korea. Everyone bowed to one another. We went into a store. Joyce was employed there as punishment. A man came in and was being pervy towards her, and she said something about "Nippon" and I understood the implication was something like "Go to Japan if you want that, pedo." I was surprised that the shop owner was amused with her and backed her up. We all bowed the customers out.

Susan was there. In Linda's house. Fuck, I was thinking. Fuck.
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jmn km [27 Dec 2016|07:43am]
i dreamed i went to a woman's little hut house. phil waited for me at a bar with some items including i think a camera.

she had a dog or a cat. she was old and fat. i got what i came for. she mentioned she would like it if phil stayed there sometimes. i thought this was good news as a memory came to me of him approaching me with snow in his hair, crying, saying he couldn't live in the cold. then an image of a plane crossing the US, though i don't know which way.

the woman undressed. laid on her back on her bed (which took up most of her house) and spoke to me. now she was on all fours. i nervously told her she had very smooth skin and looked beautiful for her age, but was inwardly repulsed. she DID have smooth skin, but she was fat, and her knees stuck out as doorknobs. she quit.

i looked down at my legs to see little worms coming out of them. little white opaque worms, wriggling their ways out of my pores. i freaked out and began to pull them out one by one. they became larger, more numerous, and some were the color of old blood snot, my distress at its limit, my fear of this woman at its limit. i felt i knew what was happening, and thought "the bedding" and then "the dog?" i guess i didn't really know.

i am in this cold town at night, seeking phil. i'm wearing a backpack with my longboard attached. everything's quiet and closed. i remember him telling me to meet him at the health food store, so i seek it.

a girl with short black hair sitting on a railing outside of another closed establishment says hello to me. i'm wary of her, ready to be made fun of. she tells me i'm not from around here, wants to know where i'm from. says something about her dad or my dad. she seems friendly and curious, and i'm relieved.

i finally tell her i've arrived only two days ago and i'm looking for the health food store, which i think is somewhere around here. she points behind me and i go.

i arrive at a party. immediately i'm uncomfortable, but i see many little children playing, and feel a little better. it's dark in here, and the tiles are large, dirty, and white. i'm casually walking through the house which is more like a long hallway, and i'm happy no one is confronting me.

in a room to my right i hear piano music. beautiful, sad piano music, that i really like. i stop and listen, peering into the even darker room. i turn back to leave the direction i came. i keep hearing the music, and as i walk back down this hallway of a house, i see that the room it comes from runs parallel to the house, and every so often there is another door that leads to it. i want to go inside! but i'm scared of some kind of social rejection.

a famous actor has been possessed. there on a stoop, where previous possession drama of some kind occurred. and while it was occurring, the camera wouldn't focus, kept looking at and zooming in on surrounding buildings. and i believed i remembered these buildings. afterwards, his possession. his head goes off, and then his body is sliced in half. he is after it, with plans for exorcism.

he follows it to a cliff, and manages to re-seal himself. and old red buick goes off the cliff, and the actor dives out of the way as the audience laughs. the actor is unhappy, because that wasn't supposed to happen. afterwards it's quiet, and i choose this time to ask about demons. what is a demon? no answer. is a demon born? no answer. can a person become a demon? yes. and through more conversation it becomes vaguley clear that a demon is a spirit of some kind that merely possesses.

i'm driving in a car. my friend is counting on me for something. it ends up being that i have to do more work than the others working with me. i'm following someone in another car. he somehow asks me what's wrong, and i reply by materializing an impromptu vanity plate and some written messages on my back window, equating to something like "i'm upset i have to do most of the work, though i understand he is my friend." the person the message was meant for disappears, and new people who are involved now surround me in their cars.

i'm irritated now, because some of the message is gone, and was not meant for them anyway. i know i'll end up being misunderstood. i'm walking along the sidewalk. i see my aunt before me. she dives out of the way of something in the road and lands in a large pile of rocks. i run up to her immediately and pick her head up. she thinks she's been out for a while, but i tell her i just saw it happen and came immediately.

i'm feeling her head. is your head okay? i ask. no, she says, but she can walk. we decide to go to a doctor. she has a puppy she carries with her. i carry her bike on my shoulder while i walk mine (apparnetly i had a bike. it was red) which is missing the seat. somewhere along the way the circumstance and people change, and i'm following a teenage girl who's following a pack of older men who are going to throw out some of those rubber things you put on bars which are supposed to absorb liquid.

one features the band KISS, and the girl gets excited and asks them if they're throwing those away. yes they say, and instead of asking for them she nods and continues to follow. i tell her she should ask for them, but she doesn't answer. we make it to the trash cans, in some big industrial city with stacked houses and little gardens. i look away to see one of these gardens behind an iron gate, and see the little plants growing. they look dead, really, and for some reason i knew then, part of me is transported to silent hill.

i snap out of it and idly pick through the trash. i find an envelope with drawings on it that i like, but don't like that much. i take it anyway. as i walk down a city street, i open the envelope to find unused stamps with christmas scenes on them. i nod and smile, now very happy about taking the envelope.

this recollection is a rather pathetic attempt at what really occurred. i know there was more.
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10/20/16 [25 Oct 2016|04:21pm]
I dreamed I was with red hair john and Cecilia and we got into an elevator. One we tried to get into previously was warned against by a nice blackish cleaning lady, the floor in the elevator crumbling concrete. We heeded and sought the next one out of three but they were all like that. We got into one. Falling apart and low claustrophobic ceiling. One large square white-yellow light up button only that said 64 and Cecilia, in a happy mood, immediately pressed it to my great distress. Up we went. The walls in the elevator were more of a cage and as we rose with my great anxiety I could see old flat bloody pad shaped cloths stuck to the walls beyond the cage, so afraid, knowing somewhere that I always dream of elevators and it's always scary. I had said Cecilia no! But there was not one other button to be pressed, and pressing 64 did nothing. John was older, taller, and more mature in this dream. The door was gone somehow, and we could see the floors as we slowly rose, 40something and on...so slow that john got out of the elevator as a solution and I yelled no! And he quickly came back on. I saw dismembered bodies on the floor, dark hallways beyond, my fear at its limit. I said something like "silent hill isn't even this scary." I think I said it at the sight of bloody pads though, which, by the way, were somehow obviously stained with wound blood and not period blood. We get to the top and get out. Pure terror and horror, dead bodies everywhere that died in different ways. We are in almost another world, where very bad things happened. Squished heads, stuff like that. Can't actually remember a lot about what happens there except that we manage to get away and back down.
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7/23/16 [25 Oct 2016|04:20pm]
I dreamed Pera was in a house with me and b and I was trying to get this stray kitten so I could get it fixed and Pera was playing some final fantasy game sitting on the floor against the high bed. I said hi to him as an afterthought and he moodily said hi back. My grandpa was by the front door at Jami ct, inside. In a chair. He asked me to come there and he cut, styled, and dyed my hair to make it look like it was from the 80s. I was horrified but slightly happy about a change. I curled up on the floor. I was cute. Pera's mom looked like an older butchier Jessica fletcher and she was sitting up in a bed talking in accents. I told her she should be an actress and she said she was and I said good. Pera asked me what I would do if I had a double chin and I smiled in a certain way that caused one and said look I already do. And I want to die. And walked away. In the next room Pera's mom touched a man's hairy belly and everyone said "come on now!" to her like they all knew her and what she was doing. Apparently she wanted to be a man very badly and was expressing jealousy and angry unhappiness. I went into the cat room at Linda's where I had been keeping the kitten. I approached it sitting at a window but I couldn't see its facial expression or body language. I went up to it and it said "I'm a killer" and bit my hand as hard as it could. I was like goddamn it I wish I could have seen its body language. Luckily it was just a kitten and it didn't hurt. I went back into the room where Pera was on the floor leaning against the bed which I was on and relayed this story to Dave animatedly but as I did I kept having shocks of déjà Vu related to Pera. "I'm a killer" (soundtrack. ?)and the hand being bitten or grabbed harmlessly. I keep feeling my hair. I go to my grandpa again and he shows me some underwear in a magazine. It's pervy and I go away from him. I go to Dave and he's asleep with te kitten and witties. I end up going down a wide dirt path with Pera and others and we approach a little building where there are some foreign military guys who are also riding around in tanks. They're killing anyone not Polish and I'm scared even though I have Polish relatives. My skin is sunburnt and I hate my hair and wonder if my Polish grandpa thought it would somehow protect me by making me look more Polish? I want to turn back and ask Pera if he wants to see my animals I take care of and he says no and I'm getting real afraid and wanna turn around. I end up in the building around mean soldiers and I'm looking through binoculars and I see all of these hyenas/split heads from sh3/that thing I drew at work and they're icky and bad. They're wandering around meanly and apathetically and killing or simply injuring any dog they see and it's so bloody and awful and I hate it and I think how can these soldiers think these creatures will be loyal to them? I'm in class. I'm late. A lady does a cover of a song and has to fill out papers. I've got papers talking about my mental illnesses and stuff. We are on benches in a park and a little baby bear runs by. I see the mom running for us and I run to the car and Pera too. We get inside and we are shaking on the floor in the backseat.
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7/16/16 [25 Oct 2016|04:19pm]
Kevin Cook was helping me organize shit in an attic. All my shirts folded in a precarious pile which he was proud of and all his DVDs there confusing me with mine. I hated him. He left. I was going through places in an old house and it was dark and scary. I made it to the attic again, and went in, complete. There was a note that said to do it again but this time pay attention to the mirrors. I was pretty scared. I had some people with me. One was someone who quite resembled Mel Gibson. We were super in love and we made out intensely, me on top of him holding his head, and him on top of me. I was 100% in horny heaven, making out intensely. I went on my back and put my arms above my head, my relaxed open palms to the ceiling. He was like NO don't expose your palms like that and I was slightly annoyed. He had some heavy stuff on his mind but we couldn't help being in love. Our actions lead to a child being born. It was a good child, I think. Then we had another, and it was birthed from the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. When we opened it and he saw it he started screaming saying it wasn't real and was an advertisement baby. I was very intrigued by this idea and wanted to ask more but he ran away like an actual homosexual screaming. I was concerned for him. A girl killed me on purpose. Was I the baby? I was wandering through the house again, I suppose dead. Scared but morbidly excited. A slide in a pitch black park but a glow caused me to see it. It was scary. I passed these places over and over, and the music was like Silent Hill in Toluca Prison, and the slide was now closed. As in, the bottom of it had folded in on itself, so anyone who went down it would get stuck there. I was alive again. I relived my death and events prior. I was in the kitchen on Tenino St. and saw a wooden goblet, the mouth sliced at a fancy angle. I thought "I don't remember this." I found Mel, and told him about my death, and how someone wanted me dead, and I found her notes. I saw a vision of the inside of a kind of green artery way, and children sitting with their knees to their chins on a conveyor belt attached to the artery wall, all being pulled up and down along, looking at the "camera" with grave faces. These were her victims, I thought. All kids. I went through her notes, all the people she was going to kill written about, excuses planned. I showed Mel. I told him this was it. She approached me and offered me a grilled cheese sandwich. I gulped and accepted it. Mel asked for some. I was thinking UHHHH this is supposed to kill me you lug, but was morbidly fascinated with what would happen. She instructed me to eat it faster and I did, and some kind of weird list of progressively worse conditions was there, each condition lighting up as I crammed the food in my mouth. I was to die of opiate overdose. I spit all the food out since I had not swallowed and was instead met with a much less harmful fate where I retained life.

This doesn't even come close to conveying the horror and conspiracy I felt. Nightmares as they call them are very strange.
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5/27/16 [25 Oct 2016|04:19pm]
I was walking along a raised dirt path in a desert in a neon yellow shirt which was tattered at the ends. An older thin black woman with short hair and bright normal clothing was passing me with two cokes in her hand, in longer than usual cans, and looking straight ahead in a stern manner. I was thinking "Man, she's like an alien to me! I would never be able to understand her" or something, much like something that might happen in real life, having thoughts about passing strangers. Then suddenly I was prevented from walking forward; her nail got caught on my shirt. I turned around and apologized, and she kept backing up and I kept advancing, to release the tension so we could untangle ourselves. This went on for a little. She was very shy and sweet, and I thought about how wrong I was before about her being someone I could have no affinity with. She came undone, her nails painted the same neon yellow as my shirt. We made kind apologetic remarks and parted.

I was driving my RV through traffic and a girl ran up to the passenger door. The plan had been to scoop her up and keep going, but she was just kind of standing there and I was yelling at the other people to get her in. I was at a red left turn light that turned green when the door was open and she was slowly coming in. I think it was made more difficult by my inching along, and the light was yellow while I was still in the middle of the intersection, but she got in. She was young and attractive and in shorts and as someone was picking her up I saw her exposed legs sort of in the air at an angle. I don't know who she was, but she was a nice (and awkward) person and someone I cared very much about, like a family member. I was driving the RV all around, and I was even driving riskily as if I were running away from someone. I had to hit the brakes hard a lot, and swerve around so as not to hit things. I have a memory of at one point accelerating and going through the gears (it's a manual transmission) with great satisfaction. But after all my swerving and hard braking and whatnot, a few messages were lighting up on the dashboard. The very first one was WOMEN! in a thin ice-blue. I saw this and thought it was kind of funny and wondered about it, and made some guess-connections (women are bad drivers? I'm being a stupid woman right now?) but then more information came up, and it said something about two women who would receive fatal injuries. I wish I could remember what it said...but it was about two words long in the same shape and color as WOMEN! only there was an orange teardrop symbol attached to it somehow. I was "losing consciousness" and could see from the back of the RV. A lamb with horns was resting (dead?) up top and the word BAHOMETH (or whatever that guy is) occurred mysteriously but in a big way. I suddenly believed I was having a premonition of my and my friend Peggy's death. I guess we had arrived wherever we were going and it was like some big outdoor desert party but bad things were happening. Some specific events occurred between myself and others and finally I found Peggy. There was a campfire by us. I told her about my premonition but she wouldn't listen to me. I wanted her to flee with me but she wouldn't. I was irritated, and kept going over the details. A girl on the sidelines interjected and said I should just be quiet because I wasn't being genuine. She said all I cared about was making Peggy feel special. I thought about this and was quite familiar with the thoughts "what are my feelings and intentions here?" and remembered my premonition and said "no! That's not true!" but she persisted and I began to think it was true. So I left them all. If my goal wasn't to actually help her, but to simply make her feel special, then all of what had happened was embarrassing dramatics, and my passionate encouragement regarding her safety was superficial. I knew the answer in the dream as I've always known it waking, and it is that I don't seem to care about her as much

I came to my house. I was with Dave and asked him if my premonition was stupid. He said yes very much so. I still took it pretty seriously though. My old blanket was in the house suddenly and I asked Dave about it. He made guesses having nothing to do with it and I walked away, scared. I saw a creature in the bed and it had a big round papermâché head with two big round scary eyes. I walked the other way in fear.

I was trapped swimming in shallow water contained in short connected hallways. I had taken a drug and someone was peering in at me from the top (no ceilings. It was like I was in a little mouse maze) saying in an irritated voice "just touch the bottom!" and finally I did. I was very affected by the drug and the person watching over me was irritated and I was a little scared because I didn't know who they were. Then I got out and walked across a wooden floor to a TV. I was watching a music video for "let the bodies hit the floor" by Drowning Pool and I was amazed at the music and really liked it haha. It had parts of the song that weren't in it that were like SOAD's pretty melodious parts. I greatly enjoyed it.
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12/22/15 [25 Oct 2016|04:18pm]
I dreamed I was in a car with Phil. Maybe my camry. I was in the backseat. The ocean was getting into the car and waves kept coming and I was freaking out. The two people in the car including Phil were like whatever. A big wave in the distance headed our way scared me, but it crashed before us, and only a small aftershock guy came right to the bottom of the window. It was scary man. We drove out of there and parked in front of Becky's house in tehachapi. I had two guitars and a backpack I had to get together. I was mAd at Phil and this person and we had to separate. I got out of the car and wandered tehachapi with my guitars awkwardly on my back. I went into a gaming store, but I was looking for thrift stores. This fat guy who worked there and I were talking about anime and he was watching this animation on tv about a guy in chains on a tall platform in the desert continuously shaking them and yelling and groaning. We talked about mamoru oshii and angels egg and stuff. I left my backpack there and I guess morning came. I went into a place and an old lady gave me a map upon request. I told er I was looking for thrift stores and I saw they were marked on the map. 6ish red dots. I even saw Phil's moms house which was huge and yellow and by slash in a church. I wandered around but ended up back in the video game place. I got my stuff and went to rob the mechanics. I saw him through a crack in the door and he wasn't wearing pants. This was cula's old house on blushing maple and he was where the laundry room was basically. I stood by the staircase waiting for him to dress. I went into the bathroom and closed it behind me though rob wanted to come in. Jacob came in and I was happy to see him. He had a brilliant smile, and was talking about how he forgets things and I said I do too. Me on the toilet and him in front of the mirror. I left the house and by the front door was a huge dead raccoon. This was upsetting. I went outside. You know what fuck this dream. Anabel and Xakk.... I interrupted Xakk.... Lady feeding her cats in a comfy home. Me tied to a tree in my rainbow scarf. In anabels room said it was clean and nice and we talked and had a good time doing it. Trying to take an egg across as field in a balloon.... Many times trying. The balloon different colors. Felt right to carry and protect, but the balloon didn't hold up the first yellow time. It had a destination but I don't know what it was. Somewhere almost holy. Now it was a black balloon and maybe it would work. I better not be fucking pregnant goddamn it. I told Pulx a song reminded me of him and played it on his car and followed him. It was cheesy rock.
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[20 Jun 2016|11:36am]
I’m in a house of people. I don’t belong. Anabel, I think, is laughing and calling me dumb. I am on the extreme defense. There was some checker game…played at a previous time, that you had to register for. She was saying I registered each color separately, and laughing at how dumb that was. I was with a fat guy with long black hair and turned to him and asked him if he did that, thinking he didn’t, wondering if I was getting lumped in with him somehow? He said he did. I continued to be laughed at, and I was raging internally. I slowly and quietly and gingerly grabbed all of my things and left. Hearing imaginary echoes of her saying “You always do this.”

I go outside. It’s night. Peggy and a boy are there. A scuzzy little street boy, but he’s nice. I ask if I can tag along with them. They say yes. I’m relieved, but also don’t trust them. I guess I felt the need to attach myself to a group of people. I said I needed to go and get my RV, and that I wasn’t sure where I had parked it. I wrote my number on a white piece of printer paper belonging to the boy which had many more numbers and things on it, scattered around. I didn’t like how it looked, and fit mine in sloppily. I went off to look for my RV, and went through the same city alleyways twice. I was disappointed at being unable to find it on either try, and knew I would have to search in a completely different direction.

It’s night time in the dirty city. I keep searching. I end up crossing an underground bridge, very high up, above maybe a sewer, and it’s very dark. Each step has varying lengths of nothing in between and it’s scary. Music about my dad? plays with each step. Suddenly bodiless, I end up a wooden roller coaster track. I’m traveling upwards, underground, this whole time. When I hit the bottom of a little hill, directly before me is a large incline. And at this moment, everything changes. The texture and color of everything becomes a kind of yellow-orange TV fuzz, but I can still see the tracks. I’m very afraid, but know I have to keep going. I go, and make it through, and turn to the left, and the background is all white… I'm not even in the world anymore. I think of Silent Hill.

Such fear, and I can hardly take it. But I make it to the end. But somehow this event continues repeating with the same intensity. I reason with suspicion in my mind wordlessly that I could create these feelings all by myself if I wanted, and that I don’t need this strange event to trigger them. One time at the end I am faced with an event. A little boy with glasses saying “Do you know what it’s like to be bullied? To offer yourself time and time again?” and this was very sad. Like he offered himself up for abuse. I was very sad and disturbed by it. Again I went through and came to the end, and there was a girl in a night club having some kind of problem. I didn’t like her or value her problem, and again and again I ended up being shown what felt to me like personal petty issues of others, when I really had to be somewhere and really had to do something. But every time, a new little thing. I thought ‘I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BS, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL OF IT IN ORDER!’ And I knew that it was endless, and I was lost.

Oh yeah...the 9 of pentacles popped up. Same time? and colors as the weird change in color and texture. Golden brown.
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[14 Aug 2015|11:09am]
swimming in a pool at the 11 foot deep end. i was sinking myself to the bottom with tess. i was unable to get a full force push with my legs from the bottom, causing a slower rise up, and a slight panic of not being able to breathe. it was because tess was too close to me. this pool was so like a certain pool i dream of and have been dreaming of for years.
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[13 Aug 2015|02:48pm]
I stole a protective mask for welding and something else. Drove right off, proud of myself. I got a call from Tedeschi, where I stole the stuff, and I was scared. David called me. David, you know, from the plant nursery. I was pleased, very pleased. And we spoke. Suddenly he was sitting next to me on a couch and showed me a picture on his phone. It was a gross erect penis, supposed to be his. Ew. I was so grossed out. There was even what looked like a splat of dark POOP on his thigh. I covered my mouth in an ew gross way and made grossed out gaspy noises. I was very displeased with him now. I left. Dark parking lot. At night. Moving items. Moving self. Vehicles. I'm in the back of a vehicle and Anabel is there underneath blankets flat on her back. She's saying she doesn't know how much more she can take, and I open the car door. I can't do it well because there is so much stuff stacked against it outside. I carefully climb over, leaving Anabel in order to perhaps get something that will help her. Suddenly we're in a desertscape, and there are bookshelves. They shouldn't be outside; they could get damaged. Oh well. Anime books. Whoa. Really exciting. A Lain one! I'm flipping through it in wonderment. We were going to get in trouble, I think, Anabel and I. Then a boy's voice, asking /b/ for help. Hi /b/, he said. Can you help me? Am I myself? And he gave a short description of what he was like and things he did. One of the things he said was "I like anime and do everything at school from (something) to Chobits' boobs." lol. He seemed to be worried that he wasn't being genuine with the people at school, due to comparing that to his family life or something. I thought that he seemed very much like himself and didn't have anything to worry about... and imagined all the /b/tards being like "U SUK LOL UR NOT URSELF" in varying ways, from that verbatim to some kind of "I'm so smart" detailed explanation of why he was hopeless and should feel bad, and I very much wanted to post in support of him.
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[11 Nov 2013|07:30am]
I dreamed of a very hurt white cat sitting under a car. Skinned pink and red in places and missing claws.

Then a very tall man very much like a cat. He walked over to the middle of a field and perched himself there with dignity. It was a bit frightening, like he was secretly evil and would pounce at any moment. Though there was an inherent goodness coming from him. I watched for a while, fearing he would hurt something I loved. Suddenly he got up and quickly made his way to a little rocky alcove thingy, near water and mud. I got up, alarmed, and chased after him to make sure he wouldn't do anything bad. All he did was walk under the rocks and look at the mud there, the water. It was cool in here, dark. He was pointing to the stuff and talking about it. It was anticlimactic but I was grateful. Suddenly a cannon was shooting heavy plastic beach balls at us. It was pretty hilarious, but he was old and accidentally fell into some water which took him under and pulled him into the sea. The field was now the sea.

I jumped in and swam after him. We were trying to climb onto this giant ship thing with a flat top. He was barely making it. I tried helping him as best as I could. Once he was safe, I was going to have a word with the cannon people. Instead we all got washed up onto shore.

A war. I was going to have to fight. I was very scared. Everyone was dying, and I didn't want to fight. I picked up a stick, discarded it, then another. Looking for a good stick. Scared. Sailor Saturn protected me at one point and I knew I was a main character, so perhaps I would not get killed. Three little guys on a bookshelf, my friends, in danger of death. The big evil woman in red dress comes to kill them with 3 little dark brown boxes, but before she makes it over I hurriedly drop them out the window, hoping they'll be alright, planning to go to them later. Her skin is just like Anabel's. She is angry because she wants to kill them and cannot find them, but to distract her I tell her that her skin is pretty, and she goes back to directing the war. Perhaps lets me live because I complimented her.

Some young boy comes through with a very large stick and starts hitting people. One poor boy right in the face, and I scream and run over. The boy is holding his face and crying, and I hug him tightly. I yell at the boy with the stick, trying to tell him that humans have a greater capacity for empathy than animals do, and therefore a greater capacity to hurt. And to hurt others. I tell him that yes, we are animals, but we hurt because we are hurt, and it's irresponsible, or something. Needless to say, he is not at all interested. So I run up to him and pull the stick out of his hands and we begin to fight.

I manage to get my hands around his neck, and the world goes black a bit as he's losing his breath. He tells me not to do that, that someone did it to him before. He's very angry. I let go. He lies on the ground, the fight taken out of him, I guess. I start trying to tell him about human empathy, but he's telling me it's not scientific. I give up. He tells me he needs help taking care of his animals, and I want to help him.
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[31 Oct 2013|09:19am]
I dreamed of a family. A beautiful blonde family of teenaged children and parents. The teenagers were intelligent and laidback. The girl did not look pregnant, but fell into a swirling pool of mud in front of her house and gave an intense birth. The brother was naked and assisting. I was standing there, noticing how beautiful the girl was. The mother ran out, pantsless, a thin stream of cloudy dark red period blood running down her leg. She took the child and the 3 of us were to shower. The boy had an erection. I was disgusted, but felt highly inferior to these people and kept my mouth shut. We showered. At some point I became aware of my presence being bothersome to the household, and tried to talk to a second brother about it. He was in a small library room at his desk doing work, looking sophisticated. We spoke frankly, but I franker than him, and left a bit confused. Even though the answer was not Please get out of here, I felt an inkling that couldn't be addressed, so I began to pack my things.

I went home to Livermore with just my dad. I went into my room and saw that it had been turned into a laundry/ironing room. I set my things down and sat on the floor, feeling sad and crowded by all of these large-feeling piles of folded laundry and blankets. It was like they were towering over me. I suddenly thought I would rearrange everything. Even began to get excited about the task. I had barely begun when I went over to the guest room for something. I found that my cousin had left a lot of her Sailor Moon stuff there and the closet, and I was amazingly excited. I saw a weird gross picture of Michiru and Haruka fat and sexual.

I went back to my room and out on the roof. The kittens followed and I was distressed. I looked across the street and into a window that showed an empty room. I think some sort of family get-together was about to commence, and I wanted to get as far away as I could. I took the cats and ended up on another rooftop somewhere. There was an old woman there, like Marira from Akage no Anne. We put Possum into some water, and she shrank and became younger. We put her in a little basket with another kitten who was her older brother and put them in blankets. Possum made her way out and began wanting to explore.

She was very small now, and I was watching her carefully. She tried to pick up a bottle of oil, but couldn't. Suddenly she was like Anne, and said to Marira in her voice "I was bigger before!" and it was like a very dramatic moment of realization in a movie, almost cheesy the way the camera was zooming in and out fast on her back hugging Marira in agony. She was tearful and ran away, Marira calling after her. I thought to myself that I loved Anne extremely. She ran until she was in an unfamiliar place with black winged monsters. There was a black coffin. Now it was like a video game, and I was controlling Anne who walked to the coffin which opened to show two items. One was a spear without a handle, and one was a feather, both flat and made of bone but magical. As I turned to leave the land, there were many many monsters, and the feather helped me escape, and the blade allowed me to fight if I had to. I kept making it past them and their lightning blasts. Finally I made it to a little river and jumped in immediately.

I was pulled into a little room, very much like a room in the water temple would look. There was even one of those crescent blocks I had to push out of the way. I went through an elaborately decorated door and ended up in a huge room. The feeling of quiet directly after chaos was delicious and I milked it by walking very slowly and gently. This room was very beautiful and felt like some kind of cathedral, and a piece of the triforce was there. It was blue and spinning and wonderful to look it. I went up and got it. I had the sense I was in the castle, and was annoyed at the security, because this was apparently the 3rd secret entrance I had found that any old heathen could reasonably find himself. I was very excited though, because this room was vast and beautiful and made me feel as though I could do whatever I wanted.

The room was becoming less ornate. Where the triforce was, there was now a large clear glass sphere. I went and climbed on it, suddenly feeling a bit horny. But I saw that the room had many chairs, and was actually some kind of assembly room, and people were coming. I went to leave, but found two pieces of pizza which I collected. I went to the elevators with my Asian friends and away we went.
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[24 Oct 2013|08:07am]
I dreamed I was on a trip to some Asian country with many people. I was in a big house. Everyone left for the day and I was lagging. Tons of freshly used toothbrushes in the sink and on the counter, and I was expected to just pick one. I was grossed out and went to my bag to get my purple toothbrush. There was one woman left asking me to eat some eggs before I brushed my teeth. I told her no and began brushing. I got my wallet and my passport because I thought I would need them. I left the house. At one point I came across Kevin Cook who was despondently leaning against a little tree in a little mound of greenery that was surrounded by concrete. I approached him not bothering to speak, assuming I wasn't someone he was at all interested in seeing or speaking with. There were two large pieces of cardboard in the plants there next to him that had been rained on and were dried and wrinkled and misshapen that said Love and Please respectively in black sharpie. They were like signs one would fly. I gathered them and put them into a pile and started organizing the contents of my bag, keeping a vigilant eye for people of the culture around me I did not know. Soon enough people were gathering and looking at all of the pretty items I had collected and making a fuss, wanting to buy them. I didn't know what to say because these were just my silly treasures. There were two items I didn't recognize, put there by a staff member from DA (the lady I sarcastically proposed to). She made them from pieces of a sewing machine. They opened up and had soft velvety material inside. I thought they were neat.

I ended up in a house, like the house I visited in Brooklyn. I was in a room, and there were tall red roses crowded by the window. They seemed almost fake, but upon further inspection were just very firm. I thought I would water them, I would clean up this whole place. I opened the window which lead out to a weird extra little room suspended in the air. Waffle walked out onto it and I was extremely nervous. She ended up falling through the floor, but only into the next room of the house. I went to get her. There was a fat rat on the floor that bit me and was scary. I tried to be nice to it. Someone apologized for it and said it would die soon enough. It had a red spot near its eye.

I went to unplug a fan. It was in the middle of a large room with a shiny wooden floor, up on the ceiling, a long orange extension cord following it. The fan was old and dusty. I pulled a chair out to reach it. I suddenly felt very earnest, but right in the middle a girl my age comes in and says loudly JESUS CHRIST BATMAN WOULD YOU SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE.

And I have a difficult time bathing in my own earnestness after that. And the scene is stolen by batman who says that he used up all of his smiles with his wife. The way he says it he is implying they were all fake, because he is being a fucking scumbag and trying to flirt with this woman by saying mean things about his wife to her. And there's a flashback and you see his smile to his wife which does not look fake but she is telling him they can't have sex yet until he "saves the day" and he says "I guess everyone is counting on me," and she encourages him.
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[27 Sep 2013|10:26am]
I dreamed I was with my kitten at a restaurant and wanted to feed her. At a table against a wall to the right. White tablecloths, man at his own table in front of me. Three plates of salmon. Small plates with nice big heaps. I told the nice Hispanic waitress that I would also like salmon. She got a sorry look and I assumed she would tell me that they were out, or that I needed to order side dishes. But the cook currently on shift was not "certified", didn't have the right papers to cook fish. She walked over to the old man's table to maybe ask him for one of his salmons, but he greedily pulled them all towards himself. Oh well. I thanked her anyway and got up and left.

I went outside and it was like Santa Cruz. I met a girl. She was pretty, she was something more than looks. But she had tattoos on her fingers and wanted to fit in. My only hope is that she could grow out of it, and too bad the tattoos are permanent. She was lying on top of this weird thing that I can't fucking describe, and needed help down. I went up with her to help, and people began to yell for us to get down. I helped her up and jumped down. I landed like a fucking dancer, erect and chest out, fluttery. How funny. She slammed down behind me. She was kind of a big girl with tanned skin, kind of like that girl on the farm in Washington, and with blonde hair.

We were walking around. She found a boy, perfect for her. Perfectly doing his best to "be cool" and was homeless and drunk. Skinny, kind of like James who came to visit in Alexandria and pulled the cords out of the beepy speakers at Harris Teeter, HAHA JAMES WAS A HERO. Anyway, like that. "I'm a street kid, I'm so cool, this is my group of friends, you can't play." The kid was climbing into a hole, and she happily followed. I was only watching. They climbed out and up a tree, and he was so drunk I was a little disgusted. Just so out of it. He fell out of the tree and into the hole and it was a tense moment, but he caught himself with his arms from behind, like imagine how someone looks when they're sitting on the floor leaning back on their elbows. He caught himself on the mouth of the well-like hole in this way and it was good. He flopped onto the grass in the sun.

But something was still wrong, and a man in a truck pulled up. This man was gigantic and hairy. He went straight to the boy on his back on the ground and put his gigantic solid finger onto this boy's thin soft little neck to check for a pulse. And I was so touched I was going to cry. The sight was so beautiful I needed a camera. I fussed trying to get one, telling whoever I was with GET YOUR PHONE HURRY UP, but it didn't work. Oh well. We all piled up into the truck and off we went.

Such kindness from this man. Such calmness. And how huge he was. Driving down the road, when suddenly... it's dark, and there is snow. I am personally freaking out, in the front seat, at the snow. OH MY GOD SNOW YAY SNOW YES SNOW SNOW SNOW OH MY GOD. I annoyed myself a little.

Silent Hilly music came on the CD player, and I turned to the backseat where his head was rested in her lap, and said THIS IS PERFECT. WE'RE DRIVING DOWN A DARK SNOWY LITTLE ROAD AT NIGHT WITH A MAN WE DON'T KNOW. LET'S FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN SILENT HILL. She was for it enough, but I got real scared and turned it off quick. The radioface thing was the only thing glowing bright in the car besides the tiny dark black wet asphalt road with bright white snow on the sides lit up by the headlights.

I tried to calm my nerves. The guy drove into little tunnel behind a door and suddenly WHOAAAA WE WERE GOING SO FAST AND THERE WERE FLASHES OF LIGHT AND WHAT COULD WE DO. It was like a roller coaster, and then suddenly we were at a dead stop. There was not room to move much at all in this little place, and we had "fallen" for so long and the slope back was so impossible that I thought we would never get out. It was an awful feeling, and suddenly I had an image of the drunk boy on the grass in the sun. I thought this served him right for getting drunk and stupid, thinking it was cool. When really his life was going to end, and mine too.

The giant was different though, and had a giant sawzaw thing and a big chain. He went right up the slope, and though I didn't go with him, I was able to watch his journey. He ended up outside in the snow, and turned his saw on a very low setting and started trying to shorten his chain with it. People began to gather from their homes, and suddenly I realized he was trying to be polite by putting it on a low setting and making such pathetic progress. Patience.

He turned it off, looked to them, and asked if anyone had a smaller chain. And how could you resist this man? Giant and hairy as he was, he was so benevolent that it was all you saw. They all jumped at the chance to help him. My consciousness returned to the tunnel thing where we were waiting, and the truck was being pulled out and many people were gathered. It was like a big family who had just returned from a wedding, and some women were annoyingly pasted to some men, hiding and not participating. The "head woman" looked to me and smiled, and I thanked her very much, but hated the way my voice sounded. I was genuinely grateful but my voice conveyed some fakeness, WHY? Gosh.

They ran a little hair salon/general store, the family. They had a dog. I ran to a big field with it, and it had this huge thing attached to its ear that it wanted off, that the family had put there. I got as much of it off as I could, but it was pierced through his skin. I went to the salon. Full of women with black curly hair, foreign looking women. Too much makeup, big lips. I was looking from one to the other looking for a familiar one, but they all sort of seemed the same. I was unsure, and felt uncomfortable, and I think they were annoyed with me. One lead me to a back room, and I told the lady I wanted help with getting the tag off the dog. She said I needed power tools, or her help. I thought they were cruel to the animal and didn't know what to do. I told her maybe I wanted to keep the dog, and imagined it as my companion. I felt close to it somehow, like we could be friends.

Then aliens and stuff, dude. Also, the philosopher's stone. And sorting cards. One of them said David's Card and had Ds in the corners, and I pocketed it to give to Dave.

In a dark maze of a garage, making my way through. A show called Burden 2-K was taken off the air. I ran into the salmon man, asked him how his salmon was. And he was so polite. HAHA, how funny to imagine his greedy childlike pulling of the plates towards him.
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[26 Sep 2013|09:08am]
i dreamed i was in kris's house. i bought a record that was a soundtrack to an anime. the front of the record was like a big sticker and i stuck it right on his wall. it had a white background and some greenery and a bunch of colorful characters. i put the record on and sat on the couch. i saw that the big sticker wasn't quite straight and got up to adjust it. it was near two other anime posters, one being my chi wall scroll. i wondered if i had put those there too. kris was in the kitchen maybe cooking. there were about 13 different remotes sitting on the coffee table, and i told him maybe he should get rid of some. he said good idea and started sorting. i helped a bit. one of the remotes had the brand of the thing it went to which was an old cd player, so i set it next to it.

he was very busy with his task, and his mind seemed very clouded. suddenly i began talking very fast, and told him my bipolar theory, about how my life was stimulating before and i was always receiving new information and having new experiences, and how that was thrilling. and how now that i'm in one place my emotional state tries to make up for the lack of inspiration by finding any reason to get really fucking happy or really fucking depressed. i didn't finish though, and he was nodding. i thought it hopeless to try and explain again. kris started to use the remotes to play a video game with the record. i thought this was neat. he was using the characters from the anime on the album.

suddenly we were outside. i was on my laptop and he was on his phone or something. i was lounged in a big comfortable chair, and monroe (scarlet macaw) was using his beak to climb the chair and get to me. i put my arm out for him to perch on. then my old dog jasper jumped up onto the chair. monroe immediately began trying to bite him and it was a hassle to separate them. jasper didn't seem to want to move. i told kris with irritation that i was deleting jasper from facebook. he had some small voice of protest, but i didn't listen. i started looking through the pictures of a random person's facebook, ready to hate myself by comparison.

suddenly a whole lot of people were piling into this place. it was like a rainbow gathering was starting. i was very nervous and told kris i was leaving. i told him i didn't want to be forced to interact with people, and was gathering my things, worried they would attack me for browsing facebook when i'm supposed to be living my life, and angry at them for it, just wanting to get away. behind, a dead girl and a dead squirrel. maybe representing jasper and monroe. everyone there talking about it, asking about it, kris trying to give answers, me trying to just get away.

i succeeded, and was at the entrance which was a big brick walkway. there were people coming down it, and one girl was in a pretty yellow tie-dye-ee shirt and pretty skirt, and i was a bit jealous. then another girl, the same kind of outfit, very pretty and thin, and she had red hair. there was a line of greenery down the middle of the brick path, and she was picking plants. i immediately went into jealous despair, and i imagined dave would love her because she has red hair. i was crying, and i couldn't see. i stopped in my tracks and didn't care if i took one more step forward. didn't care about any consequences. i imagined she would pull out a little plant and BAM out would spring a whole bushel, and she would look over to dave and i and smile real big, and it would be the kind of action you couldn't help but be impressed by. but that was just me imagining it.

when i "came to" i was her. i was very happy, and i started calmly walking in the opposite direction, away from the people. i began narrating my life. it sounded like one of the characters from the maxx, the way i was saying it. it felt very much like a movie. i walked into some dead end where some men caught me for some silly act of wrongdoing that i'm not sure i even committed, and it showed her hanging by her ankles from shackles, calmly saying "i should have expected this" and explaining it a bit, but i can't remember what she said. she was there like that for a while, and the men came in and got her down. they handed her a broom and she was to sweep this little room, also made of brick and outside, but behind a door. she bagan. always calm and never afraid. she started narrating again. "i've got a bit of mental illness. i can't touch babies. i go into a kind of fit if i have to touch babies. i don't like to hear them try or cry. i got into trouble for throwing an apron at my mom's new baby."

i could see the broom was now a strange mop with lot of weird colored layers, like an accordion, and she seemed to be struggling to use it. it was heavy, and she kept having to heave it up off the ground, and due to its weight it would immediately fall back to the ground again in a newly organized heap, but never organized in a way that she could utilize it. she never became frustrated though. when she felt the men were gone long enough, she immediately slipped out the door, down the brick path and into the street. it felt like san francisco. she still had the mop, but it was now a broom again. she was singing to herself, walking down down a street.

there was water rushing down a little drain, and she put the end of the broom into it. she was pushing the water back upstream with it, and it felt very satisfying. an old man with long grey hair said hello to her from across the street, and she liked him. he asked her what she was doing, but you could tell in his tone that he very much approved of whatever it was, and her response was one that rhymed that i can't remember. but it was something about using the broom on the rushing water. he laughed merrily and beckoned her to come over. she crossed the street, noticing the big trees that were turning colors because of autumn. she followed him through a little gate between a brick wall and into some kind of backyard compound thing.

there were many people gathered, but not as many as at the other place. these people looked scummier, and she was grateful for it, but still nervous and she stuck right there with the old man, next to a tree. she shook his hand, which was very dirty, and another man's, also dirty. her hand was wet, and she dirtied it a bit. she smelled her hand. it smelled like cigarettes. she told them they needed to bathe. maybe they were offended. i was happy, and i saw some people i knew. a girl sitting against a tree said "Hi Paige!" and i was like "!!!" you know who I am?! and I leaned against the broom and started talking animatedly to her. she had curly black hair which was pulled back and uneven glasses that made one eye look bigger than the other.

leaning on the broom excitedly i said to her "I WAS PLAYING THE PART OF SOME OTHER CHARACTER, AND I WAS SO JEALOUS OF EVERYTHING SHE SAID!" and laughed loudly and had an inward realization that was vague, but i couldn't be bothered with it now because i was ready to be social and entertain people. i made a mental note to come back to it though. i walked around a little, and caught my reflection. my red hair was gone, and i looked like myself. this was a little disappointing, and i wilted a bit.

i walked to a group of people, philip among them. i told phil that he had a spider on his face, and he was trying to get it off. everyone was watching. he was carefully preparing to flick, and did. everyone cheered, but i saw that it landed on his chest instead. i halted the cheering and said so. he was preparing again, and opened his shirt. he had huge woman boobs. the dark reddish spider with little legs was crawling on his underboob. he got it, everyone cheered. i told him he had woman boobs more than ever before, and he was slightly offended.

i saw pirate rob and said HI ROB and asked if he recognized me, my red hair was fading. and he said yes and seemed very nervous and said he used to have red hair and was trying to get it back. i said LET'S GO TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW AND GET DYE. i thought of my money in the bank and thought i would have no problem spending it all. i wanted adventures and roadtrips. rob did not give me the enthusiasm i was looking for, so i went from person to person in our group of friends seeking it. some people responded and rob seemed to change his mind a bit.

then i was in a house with dave. i could not feel my left arm, or see it. it seemed it was gone. dave was ultra worried and kept trying to tell me we needed to go to the hospital. i was being calm, but curious. i kept feeling my left arm, but there was nothing there. on my shoulder i felt a weird little flap of skin. this went on for some time, and i finally looked in a mirror. my arm was still there, which was surprising, and i had a big cut near my armpit. i looked down at my arm which i could now see again, and saw that it was looking purple and numb. fuck, i said. maybe i tore a nerve or something. i was nervous about the hospital.

then i was watching sporting events at a track field. i was extremely depressed, thinking that i wished i was involved in something like that when i was younger. a black guy won this one thing over and over and over and the guy on the overvoice was saying "and my man billy cyle wins again, and my man billy cyle wins again" over and over maybe fourteen times. they were all black.
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