| 9/14/09 |
[02 Dec 2009|11:55am] |
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I've got a beautiful spot here. What do these flies want with me? Just me and dad now and part of me feels lonely. I like how flies preen. I want to meet Paula. I want to meet Kerri's kids and parents. I love the GTA3 theme. I miss Brent. I need to make good playlists. 1969 in sunshine. Rainbows everywhere! The door that leads to nowhere. I'd call after 5 but my ego is squirming. Open for depression. Especially with your face fresh in me. Distractions, anyone? My nostrils. Nostriss. Breathy changing shapes registered by the universe and dealt with accordingly, I suppose. Beautiful things make me happy. As nonchalant and matter of fact as you'd like to make everything seem, Vick, I'm a hopeless indulger. Doomed to fall hard. Quit it, 70s. You don't think you remind me of Vladia and Inverness? I love you, damn it. It's muddied though, impure. I'm sorry. If it came down to it though I wouldn't want you to hurt.
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[24 Nov 2009|04:41am] |
You touch me and it tickles. Can't stand it and I tell you so. You seem to feel bad but I'm tired of reassuring, so I let it go we let it go as long as you don't touch me. Awhile passes and I've floated through my own silencings and loneliness. I erupt every once in a while at beloved comments made by these beings perfectly in place, but I'm mostly curled up and thinking about going to California. D with Virgo in Sun and Mercury serenades me with her calming expressions of dealing with life. They come up fast and intense then down gently bringing me back to shore so I know I'm safe. I'm so lonely, I tell her, inviting her somewhere I don't want most people. She crashes down and I get washed up and wander back away. How beautiful she is and how I want to tell her but the choppy comments drown me out and I'm all too comfortable in silencing myself. There was a time when Russell was desperate to encourage "Out with it!" with fierce passion and responsibility, feeding something starving, but since then he's grown hurt and back in the swing with ghosts and perfect witty comments he doesn't care about.
Later Chris and I skate darkly down smooth winding double yellow striped snakes and walk through a golf course, ascending grassy hills to some sheltered benches. You touch me and I'm surprised that it still tickles, puts on heavy weight. Then I see you've got snot and wet eyes saying it hurts to think you forget so much. "It hurts, you know?" Awed, I step outside myself and give me over to you, hugging and rubbing, "I know"ing with deep sighs trying to breathe out your misery, a strong pillar for you to hold onto. We turn to your disorganization and calmly slowly lovingly like D the Sea I recite:
You gotta take it all out and put it all back in.
We're quiet for a while as I wonder how you took that. I scratch your head and recite:
You gotta take it all out, examine it, make decisions, and put it all back in.
4:18 AM
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[10 Jan 2009|10:12pm] |
[22:07] slumber chant: i always loved our lady peace
[22:09] slumber chant: i just wrote something
[22:09] slumber chant: What can I say for the past? What words do I have to express the feelings I get when I think of the office buildings I frequented on my bike
Sunny California days
Skipping school
Hating myself already
Our lady peace loud in my ears
[22:09] slumber chant: it's not real good or anything
[22:09] slumber chant: but it's always something like that that comes out when i get nostalgic
[22:09] slumber chant: and it's not like i rode through the buildings
[22:09] slumber chant: (that would be cool though)
[22:09] slumber chant: just around them
[22:09] slumber chant: you know office buildings
[22:10] slumber chant: they're kind of like farms they're just all around each other
[22:10] slumber chant: and one who was unfamiliar with this kind of world might wonder what is going on here?
[22:10] slumber chant: what are these places?
[22:10] slumber chant: why is it so quiet?
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[01 Dec 2008|11:51am] |
slumber chant: my friend and i were in this place
slumber chant: i had never been to before
slumber chant: near the beach
slumber chant: and we made some kind of bet?
slumber chant: and i started running down to the ocean through all these plants
slumber chant: (usually i don't like to step on plants, but i was too excited to care)
slumber chant: my friend was running beside me and there was someone in a jeep thing following. this was scary but only excited me more
deletingmachine: Paige lied
deletingmachine: {PLants died
slumber chant: i was very scared of the vehicle but my excitement kept taking over. finally i made it to the beach and ran into the water laughing
slumber chant: i laid down in it and began to try and float... this was the bet. whatever it was.
slumber chant: the waves... were pretty big and long as in one would come then the other would take a while
slumber chant: and it was very enjoyable, as they kept taking me back to shore
slumber chant: they were getting a little bigger, and of course teh rip current was in mind the whole time, sort of in the back as a fear (did i tell you about how i got caught in a rip current in san francisco?)
slumber chant: i was very tranquil though as they were big and gentle. one went over my head and i was okay with it, thinking it would bring me back to shore. suddenly i was with 3 other girls and i asked one where she thought we were, and she said "east" something
slumber chant: i didn't know where that was
slumber chant: i felt the waves were so pleasant i just forgot all about them
slumber chant: i mean all about my situation or whatever
slumber chant: and got pulled far away
slumber chant: then we looked around and saw we were far out into the ocean and the waves were getting big
slumber chant: one of the girls was like oh no we're at a rip current
slumber chant: and i said okay you guys start swimming to the sides! that's our escape!
slumber chant: i tried but it didn't really work, i couldn't really move
slumber chant: i looked behind me and saw a couple surfers and stuff and also saw the rip current was a little far off the other way
slumber chant: we were all holding hands
slumber chant: and it's like my friends were spiritual people and they were sad but accepting of what was going on
slumber chant: and i was like fuck
slumber chant: we don't just have to accept this
slumber chant: and i felt my feet on the ocean floor and said we'll walk back slowly you guys
slumber chant: and we did, holding hands
slumber chant: and we made it... very slowly
slumber chant: and it was very nice
slumber chant: then i got into the cream colored jeep and we were driving through this jungly atmosphere
slumber chant: i had the sensation i had escaped death again and was so relaxed and happy
slumber chant: i said to them that waves are metaphorical for life and its cycles or something
slumber chant: and i had two books in my hands on plants
slumber chant: and one belonged to the driver and one belonged to the passenger
deletingmachine: Ohhh you miss the dongle
slumber chant: and even though i knew i asked the passenger which one was hers in hopes she['d get it wrong and i'd get the one i hadn't had for a while
slumber chant: but she knew and i handed it over
slumber chant: i stared at the back cover of the book
deletingmachine: ?
slumber chant: what?
slumber chant: i know i said that weird
slumber chant: but see the book that belonged to the driver, she had given it to me a while ago and i had been with it for a while
slumber chant: then the passenger gave me a second similar book but i had to give it back
slumber chant: so i was hoping she'd mistake it
slumber chant: anyway they kept saying some word... some strange beautiful word... somethign i didn't really understand
slumber chant: and i looked at the back of the book
slumber chant: (the one i had for a while)
slumber chant: and it had all of these messages that said things like the universe loves you, you're beautiful, pray and let the sun said you
slumber chant: etc etc
slumber chant: and there was even a little text heart like this <3
slumber chant: and i put the book down and started to pray
slumber chant: and i said i love you universe, i want to be indifferent like the plants and accept all your beautiful gifts
slumber chant: and i prayed so hard i woke up
slumber chant: and i kept praying lying there
slumber chant: and i was thinking of my dreams
slumber chant: then i went back to sleep
slumber chant: and dreamed i was in a restaurant, in this beach town i had never been to before
slumber chant: we were all eating, and this girl... who was she? she was the girl from the meditation center that talked about hairy carrots!
slumber chant: oh yeah i forgot to say when we were walking back to shore these submarine things kept coming up and taking flash pictures of us
slumber chant: and there was a helicopter in the sky that said it would save us if we got caught in the current
slumber chant: anyway hairy carrot girl was falling asleep and i started to take pictures of her
slumber chant: but she kept moving
slumber chant: then she became unpleasant and me and another girl at the table left
slumber chant: as we left i said something like "duuude" that indicated i was about to talk behind carrot girl's bacl
slumber chant: and she said "what?" but i was just silent because i didn't want to speak badly of her
slumber chant: it was like it was my initial reaction though
slumber chant: then i had to go get a bus pass or something
slumber chant: we were outside and i found 4 fifty cent pieces underneath some leaves in a corner by a vending machine
slumber chant: and i found some others too
slumber chant: and carrot girl was there and she said hey some of those are mine
slumber chant: and i said which ones
slumber chant: and she said ONE OF THE BIG ONES, with this look on her face that i knew she was lying
slumber chant: but i handed it over with this look on my face that tried to tell her i knew she was lying
slumber chant: then i said anymore? and she said yeah another one of them (she used a vague adjective)
deletingmachine signed off at 11:49:41 AM.
slumber chant: haha
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[06 Nov 2008|10:11am] |
I dreamed I was at the meditation center. It was many days after everyone was supposed to have left, but some remained for reasons I can't remember. No one was meditating. They (whoever they is) gave us these devices... and explained we could use them at certain parts of the course. Though there was segregation of sex during the 10 days, it seemed the servers had left and we were to do as we wanted. We walked by each other through a hallway once, both singlefile, and there were all of these shyglances and things, like we wanted to talk but we were afraid to break rules no one was around to enforce. I separated myself from everyone and came to one of the spots. It was a little difficult to find, and I climbed and descended many stairs. It was... like a huge glass tablet or something. With many black squares on it. And I was on a deck. I pointed the device at it and pressed a touchscreen button that was a black circle and which shot something at it, and I stood still because I remembered the people saying that if you moved while the transition was taking place, it could be bad. So I stood still and waited. Suddenly the whole world seemed to have sped up in movement and it was like the tables were turning, so to speak. It was over. It was dark. I had changed. I was in a different outfit. I don't know what it looked like; I could only sense it there. I think it was red... something like my hiking pack. It's a blur here... but soon it was light again and I was in a bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. The light shifted without me using the device, so I thought someone else must have. The floor and bathroom sink and mirror and everything were turning, and all of the things on the counter were sort of falling off. I was sort of narrating it... it was so poetic but I can't remember it... I became aware of someone in the other room and remember feeling embarrassed that they may have heard me in my poetic moment.
Then it was dark. I saw a dog I know called Annie, and she was walking funny. I thought she must have been moving during the transition. Now I was outside and it was beautiful like the meditation center. I was approaching red cabins in the distance and even though it was light I was in my costume. There were these huge animals wandering around... like halfhorses halfcows... and they seemed nervous... I didn't want to upset them and I was very afraid they'd come after me. Then a girl in her costume ran up next to me. It was skintight but padded and black and there was a neon green part at her back that seemed to serve some purpose. I began to run with her. We came to a house and I saw a red pair of shoes outside that indicated someone was inside. I opened the door and my partner said "Oh god." There was a girl asleep on the couch. She had wet hair. I said hello very gently and asked if we could set up a tent in her backyard. She was very sleepy and I called her beautiful.
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[03 Oct 2008|11:21pm] |
my muscles harden
my angles sharpen
i'm taller
my bladder pulsates
and someone's out there
shuffling around
the cold wooden floor
the cigarette den and its piss stained carpets
comes pleasingly to mind
my shoes by the couch
if i have to go pee
alone downstairs
everyone's asleep
the bus stop's down boulder hwy.
and it runs until 1 if i get restless
but i fall asleep comfortably
then catch a glimpse of eric on his way to work
at blue o'clock
and sleep for a while
until the day is mine
but here i am
cold california
no bases to mark
just the sound of the floor
that echoes warnings that say
paige you'll miss this one day
paige it'll be different
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[12 Sep 2008|05:41pm] |
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outkast was an only child. i miss brittany bedunah. this kid makes me feel special. ain't no thang but a chicken wang. the hug andy and i shared. the look in his eyes. the nervous pleading. i felt it and i knew. i dropped my notebook as i stood, papers escaping and flying around us as i embraced him thinking "i love you andy" and my god the songs. i swear one day i'll do acid. with people so beautiful they take my breath away in retrospect. i loved you, tank. i wanted you to eat well. the force will take care. traveling, traveling... uhnnn. uhnnnn. nina's crippling laughter. drool. how can people be so beautiful? nina skiing. that look she gives. that glance down she gave me that i probably gave many more times. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm inside a place in my head i don't want to invite anyone into.
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[20 Aug 2008|05:21pm] |
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I never counted the days but it felt like a while. A while of Sylvia and my purple tent. Quebec, tall reeds. The salty ocean. Jamie was never much for me. Through my loneliness no one seemed to pass. Always telling myself it's me and feeling genuinely sad. He'd come most every day and we shared many days of hard labor. Adam would show less frequently, and alas though I was excited at first, the loneliness came between us and we never made it through. I'd wonder and curl up inside like I was strange, something people backed away from nervously. The tide went out and so would we. We gathered oysters and washed them of their seaweed, kneehigh in the ocean that would more often than not make its way into my boots. Squishy all day until the tide chased us away. Sometimes I'd walk the walk back to camp, picking berries along the way. Other times I'd ride in Adam's truck bed, once holding and dragging a stick for a cigarette and watching myself in the cab window. "We'll see you Paige!" he'd say loud and ascending every time I hopped out like a ninja. "Bye Adam," like I'll never see him again. The solitude would be creeping up at this point, but there was still Jamie who stayed and sprayed his plants. Sweaty and salty and wet I'd want nothing more than to rip off all my clothes and lie in the sun. But always by the time he'd leave I'd have cooled and dried enough for the action not to be as grand.
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[18 Apr 2008|07:42pm] |
I was working on a car in the driveway of the old place on 93rd and Woodstock. I had a lit cigarette that was mostly smoked, and I set it down. It started on fire and I freaked out inside. There were some people around and I told them to get away. I ran through the house and everything was ending. I could feel it. A whole mountain of debris and life had a pathway along the side of it. I walked down it and I had my camera. I was photographing things along the way. There was a zipline thing going back the way I came. I pictured one of the girls. I wanted to get on, but I wanted to keep going, so I didn't. I came to a house and fell into a room full of blankets and pillows. Fuck I hate the way dreams can be so beautiful or so scary, but when you go to tell someone about it, you just can't convey it. How discouraging.
My mother was infected. "Memorize this woman," showing me a picture of a blonde lady. Another of her spitting from thre back of her mouth. I wouldn't look. She was trying hard to make me look. She was infected. I ran. More were infected. It was spreading. I was with a group of people outside the caged area by the sand and swings. All of the uninfected were gathering in a group as the infected gathered around them. I ran, realizing this wasn't the right way to do it. I tried to scream at the others to follow, but the infected were running after me. A few touched me. I hadn't memorized the picture, so I felt I was okay. There was a boy with a skateboard with red wheels running behind me. I had my longboard. I said let's go! We went. An infected on a board was after us. We boarded and boarded. I had some mad skills. I lost him and looked back and saw he was standing with the infected skater and I realized he too was infected.
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[25 Mar 2008|10:34pm] |
can words touch me the way i want them to?
words like music, breathing inside me
words like touch, falling all over me
can words make me imagine the things i feel most?
i can't word them (the park by my house in livermore........ everything there... more than anything i want to go there again. ride my bike. the only plan i've got to bring them back to life)
words like memories
words like grass
i can feel these words
memories... you're the most powerful thing
memories... you're all i have sometimes
all i have, bringing me down
all i have, making me feel
all i have, giving me life
memories, i love you
even though you hurt
it is beautiful
at any given time, i can feel you
you're there, close to the surface
waiting
and no matter what, you can take me over
exposing. ever still, no one can see inside
no one can have any idea how much they affect me
how much i consider and feel them
i notice
i think about it
it's beautiful
it hurts
i feel such significance
when the light changes
and the colors drift whichever way
it's eyecandy
and oh, to watch the sun and clouds
when the light changes
and i wonder if i'm the only one who sees
no, maybe just one of few who feels it
Fuck, what the fuck. Misunderstood... Just quiet. Just giving looks that surprise me. Looks I can only feel. I want a mirror! I want to know. Imagining them is embarrassing. My feelings come out on my face and it's so fuckin' embarrassing. I can't hide as much as I'd like to. By myself... I'm nothing. And it's wonderful. But here, with you... I thank you for letting me escape to somewhere else. Sitting next to me, thank you for loving me even though I'm not here. Loving... not caring... whatever...
I can get over the pain so easily... because I understand the beauty... I love the beauty... I accept the beauty that doesn't feel beautiful yet.
and who are you? you who makes me not know who i am. you who would listen, but me who keeps me to myself. me thinking no one would understand. me thinking no one could. me inside, shining bright, bringing light to everything i am
me i contact secretly saying maybe i'm something else than those around me
It's not the same if you don't use headphones. Headphones... they've added so much to everything in my life. Music. The feelings in me are endless, but right now I'm losing contact. It's slipping away and I'm tired. It's slipping away and I feel it more than ever, (just like always) but the words are slipping... becoming less how i want them to sound... words i can't feel
becoming more explanatory, pieceful
i just can't explain how i think and feel
if it isn't poetic or something
you~ who i think would understand
endless memories i can't get out of my head and my only plan is to revisit those places and listen to those same songs and feel those same things and fuck i just wanna be a kid again, i just wanna feel the way i used to, no matter how much it hurt and how i couldn't stand it, i'm being so unhealthy loving it so much. wanting it so much. finding it to be so beautiful. i hate the way this sounds, but if the words weren't coming from me, i'd ooze sappy empathy
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[15 Jul 2007|02:35pm] |
I don’t remember where I was. A hairplace. There was a boy making fun of me. I was upset at first, but then I smiled. He smiled back and we fell in love. Then I was on a balcony under a black sky talking with my mother.
In another dream, I was back at my boarding school. My friend Kelly had a white car. We were driving in it. Her, me and Cat. We were all upset to be back at boarding school. We went into a store and saw two groups of people. One was dressed all in yellow and the other all in red. They all had very serious looks on their faces and looked like they were trying to hurry. I went back to wait in the car.
I ate some red jellybeans. There was a store right next to where the car was parked. I don’t remember what it was called, but there were red signs in the window, one after another that advertised “Jade.” They were red and had a drawing of a Chinese-style dragon’s head. There were some foreign characters on the sign. I assumed they meant jade. The owner of the store came out. He said something to me. We were talking about something, but I don’t remember what. He said something, and I said “What?” but he walked back into his store. Some people just don’t like repeating themselves, I thought.
Then a guy in a dark red car crashed his car into Kelly’s while I was in it. He was tanned with short straight light brown hair and big green eyes. He didn’t even notice at first, and I was looking at him disbelievingly. He finally saw me and just drove on. He crashed into something else as he drove away. Then he came back in a white car with green lightning stripes and crashed into me again. But it was weird. He sort of bounced off. Then he drove up a sidewalk. I watched him to see if he would crash again, but he didn’t.
Kelly and Cat came back. We drove away. I started talking to them about how I hate DA. They agreed. I said I liked it better when there were lots of girls and not just us three. They agreed. I started to cry and they said awwww.
We were driving… and I saw a line of people walking, all dressed the same. I watched them to see what they looked like. They were all girls. One girl was far ahead. She looked so interesting. She was very tall and kind of big with long straight brown hair. She had sandals on over socks and had this innocent look to her. The way she walked. The way she held one hand up to her mouth. I wanted to know her.
I don’t know how I got here… but we were outside by a bench. I saw lots of other girls, like Brittany what’sherlastname and my aunt Pat as a teenager. My aunt was so beautiful. Her tall thin figure and her long brown hair. She looked very worried and upset. She was so beautiful in her white polo shirt. I wanted to comfort her. I was back in the car. Tiffany Lockette was at the window. I was in the backseat. “Tiffany, you’re here?” She told me yes, but only for a month. I felt like she didn’t like me. She never really did in real life anyway. Don’t know why.
We were driving back to the boarding school. There was Mrs. Miller in the back. I was asking her questions about her job (which was at the boarding school) but she was just being a stiff bitch, as she always was. Then I pulled out these books… four of them… and she told me to hide them because they were proof that she had beaten me.
I said I would hide them…
We got back to the boarding school, but it was a house.
One big yellow book… one smaller fat white book… and two other small books. I hid them underneath a high table, so it wasn’t really hiding them. She said it wasn’t good enough. They’d find out. I took them into a girl’s room and found this dark pink box. I hid them in there. Then… through the wall came a… difficult to describe… something came out of the wall. Some kind of tiny balcony fit for one person. And there was Mrs. Miller. I guess the room I was in belonged to her daughter. She was saying “Oh, my daughter is going in her box again behind her mother’s back. She doesn’t love me. Look at the way she hides things from me.”
As I was waking… I imagined Mrs. Miller to be Tiffany Lockette, but older. And the beginning of a story formed in my head. “I live in a household full of secrets.”
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| 3.30.07 |
[09 Jul 2007|02:22pm] |
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Last night I dreamed I was somewhere desolate. It was very much like Silent Hill. I was eleven. I was in a yellow dress. I looked around me at all of these empty brokendown buildings. Outside there was a creature that I can't really explain... it was a grey color, mixed with red and purple. I could see its insides. It was missing legs. It was bloody. I couldn't see its face. It was moving all around like it was trying to get up. It looked so pathetic lying there helpless. I ignored it. I had someone with me, although I'm not sure who. They were reading a magazine or something. I was carrying this little doll. It crawled up my back and then it was sitting on my shoulder, and it was digging into me with what felt like claws. I faced my back to (whoever the person was) and said "What is it doing?" and they said "Throwing up on you." I asked a few more times, and they gave me the same answer. I looked up at the building with fear. I entered alone. It was very dark inside. It felt musty. I walked up a set of stairs. I sat down on the landing. I pulled the doll off of my shoulder and saw that it was puking. The puke was a dark orange color. I held it in such a way to make the puking easier for it. I could see the puke inside of it. I sat there for a long time just watching it, wondering when it would stop. Then I started to handle it more roughly. It was kind of tattered to begin with, and had a hole in its head. The puke started coming out of the hole. I ran upstairs with it, my heart beating fast, afraid I'd see one of those things I saw outside. At the top of the stairs, I exited a door and found myself outside in a field of grass. I thought this was odd because I was on the second floor. There was a very tall block of cement, with four staircases on each side. I climbed one. At the top was a bed, and there was a boy with long silver hair in it. He seemed ill. "I've brought you your mother." He shook his head. He didn't want her. I threw her to the floor and stepped on her and squished her like a cigarette. She was nothing now but a bloody mess. It was like stepping on a huge slug or something.
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[22 May 2007|06:57pm] |
I was playing basketball in the DA gym with many of my old classmates. Justin Gorman stood out specifically, as he always pops into my dreams… After we were done, it was time to say goodbye. I was somewhere else. It was dark and I don’t know where I was. I was with other people, although I’m not sure who they were. They were girls. I saw a very long snake-like thing. It was a she, and she was beautiful. I was following her long colorful tail to her head. She turned around and held me in a strange way. I saw her strange blue eyes and asked if she was an Aries. She felt so much like an Aries. She talked to us and was full of wisdom, although I can’t remember what she was saying. She was magnificent. I didn’t want to bother her. I saw her sitting at a table (eating?) with one of the people I was with. I wanted to go over, but felt nervous, so walked away. My friend met up with me and I asked what she said. She told me to check my bag, which now had four heavy books in them. “From her,” my friend said. I was ecstatic. I never opened them though…
I entered a store-like room… with shelves and shit. I was sitting in the corner with a group of people. There was a pillow on my lap. Some of the people were pulling out their weed and showing it. They were spilling some on my pillow. When they left, I was trying to get it all up. But there wasn’t really enough and it was all mixed with lint and dirt.
Then I was at my friend Mike’s house. He was keeping a black girl in his closet. She had a short ponytail. She was sad to be kept in a closet. He took her and started to pretend to fuck her from behind. She was crying. At first, for some reason this was funny. I was on the phone with someone explaining it. Suddenly, it was horrible. I hung up. Mike, how could you? Let her go. No, he said. Ever since she’s been around, he can clean the house. The house has never been cleaner. Every time the girl tried to scream, Mike put his hand over her mouth. She was going insane from being in the closet for so long. I started to try and scream for her, but Mike put his hand over my mouth.
Then I was on my computer in my room in California. I IM’d Christoph with something pasted, but I can’t remember what. A conversation, I think. He replied with something strange… I can’t remember all of it, but he said something about noisemaking with “the one.” I don’t know what he meant by “the one,” but it sounded like he was talking about the future. Suddenly, there were pillows and blankets and sheets on my bed. And the complete Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with a strange cover I’d never seen. I was going through all the pillows and sheets. They were Christoph’s. I asked him what he meant by what he said. I went into my dad’s office and went on his computer. I don’t remember what I was doing on it, but suddenly strange pictures were popping up with strange sound. Random pictures flashing one after another. Naked girls. A scene-looking boy with his scene-looking girl, whispering something to her. And text came on the screen that said his words meant nothing. Then some words came up on the screen… something about… “Not my God.” Can’t really remember… but I could draw a picture of it. I can see it perfectly in my head, save the actual letters. I went into my mom’s room where she was on the computer. She was being really rude to me, like she hated me. She was also sort of thin. On her screen was a picture of wet boobs being played with. Since she was being so unpleasant, I went back into the office. Then a video came on the screen. It was a boy and a girl. The boy said something about how she was soft and perfect. Then he took scissors and started cutting up her lips. It was gruesome. Then he wanted her to go to the beach with him. It showed him sitting in the water near the shore. I really wanted to watch, because somehow it was turning me on. But I tried to turn off the computer. It didn’t seem to be plugged in to anything. There were these gooey things… I tried to undo them, but the computer stayed on. Then one started smoking and I was like oh shit.
Then as I was going back to my room, my mom stopped me. She was the one with the black girl now. My mom was being hurtful and making me cry. I cried for a long time before I realized that she liked it. So I quit. And tried to be strong. Then I saw the black girl. She was my mother’s now. I said mom, let her go. Why won’t you let her go? She said something about how the girl made me smell her purple. How her purple was on my fingers. Purple? Weed? I thought back to the store and couldn’t recall anyone letting me smell their weed. But I was just shocked at the stupid reason she was giving me. It was like she was mad at the black girl for doing me wrong somehow, but now she hated me... I just didn’t understand, and I felt hopeless. I asked her to please explain. She wouldn’t. I said “Let me at least give her a book. Or a notebook and a pen.” She said no. The more I asked, the angrier she became. Then she had me pinned on the floor. Up close I could feel her apparent insanity. She was blinded with anger. Her hair was turning black and her eyes were turning Asian. She was choking me. Then…
The most beautiful part of my dream… The girl escaped. Out an open door with rain fucking pouring outside. Golden light was shining through every drop and into the closet where was had been kept. My mom was saying how she won’t get away, but I was so happy that I cried. She got away. (:
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[21 May 2007|06:35pm] |
I was in my house in California when I decided to go lie down outside in the grass. Outside was a van taking Chris Cosgrove and Trevor to work. I got in. A Mexican man was behind the wheel. He made some racist comments about black people. I laid my head down on the row of seats ahead of me and fell asleep. The dude was like wake up. He was a fucking rude bastard. I was then with Stella somewhere and they were recording. I got in on it and they loved me. Michael Showalter was Chris Cosgrove and Michael Ian Black was Tom. Then the Mexican dude’s van was a trailer. I had my Southern Comfort and TMD was like get that out of my trailer. He told me to go somewhere ridiculously far away and put it in a right turn lane. I saw it as a left in my head. I was like wtf dude. I went outside as if I were about to do it, but thought about it and looked around me. He was inside the trailer talking shit about me. He opened the door again. I put it inside a circular pipe thing sitting outside of his trailer and asked if that was alright. He said fine. I went back inside with everyone. There was a bear on a leash. TMD killed it with a gun. Everyone was sad. I cried a little. Chris Cosgrove was complimenting me on my Stella performance more than anyone. I was happy. Then we were underground somewhere with a bunch of people, running for our lives. It was very dark and industrialish with many metal steps and ladders. I got shot along with another girl. The man who shot us said it was because we were the most beautiful and began to sprinkle white sparkling dust on our heads. Chris came over to me and held me. The man who poured the dust said something like “So that you will remember something almost impossible to remember.” Chris asked me if I had been bad, although bad was not the word he used. Can’t remember. Softly, I said no, but felt bad, so maybe I did do something bad. Then I saw a tree. On purple fire. Then green fire. A lampshade with crazy shit going on inside. I was happy. Hallucinating is cool. Then I was sitting with Manny and Chris and perhaps Raf and Rob. I said I need to go get my Jack Daniels from TMD. I mean Southern Comfort! So I went and Chris came with me. My Southern Comfort was not outside where I had placed it. We opened TMD’s door, and Chris called in to someone. I was glad to have him with me. It seemed as if he were more welcome here than me. I found TMD in front of a refrigerator and said “I am here to inquire about my Southern Comfort.” He just smiled. He showed me a bowl of cut up green shit (pickles?) in ice. He offered me some. I said no thanks. He kept offering. He got some on my shirt and I said I’ll save it for later. He didn’t get it and when he finally did he mocked me. I was like whatever fuck you.
Then I was in the car with my mom. Daytime. I saw a strange long red car with strange cartoonish passengers. I was on the phone with Tom, talking so much. He told me I was being really arty. It was dark. My mom said we were going to The Elephant Bar. I was like No, Chris’s house! So she turned around. I hadn’t called him to let him know, so I asked if I could use her phone. She handed it back to me. I tried to dial his number, but kept misdialing. For the fucking life of me, I couldn’t dial his number, and it was greatly upsetting me. Then it was like a video game, and I had lost all my lives with my first character by dialing the number wrong so many times. 649-8367, 649-8367, 649-8367! (Just wanted to make sure I could) Then a mini Asuka Langey was my next character with a weird hookshot weapon. I had to fight the monsters. I gave the phone back to my mom and asked for another one. She handed me something strange and I threw it up at the windshield and screamed “THIS ISN’T A FUCKING CELL PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!”
She got all pissy and I was like JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING!
Then I realized I would never be able to call Chris, and a sad song played in my head.
Then I awoke.
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[16 Sep 2006|08:38pm] |
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i sleep too much...
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